


Sweet Escape

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Roommates, petty revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 06:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12227634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Ronan, at least until last week, mostly kept to himself so Peter basically lived on his own. Which he liked and so did Tony for that matter. But then last week Ronan decided that because Peter was moving in with Tony at the end of this week he’d turn into a massive dickhead





	Sweet Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm moving today and I'm very stressed about it. Also my roommate is being a shriveled blue banana so, because this is what I always do when I'm in situations like this, I wrote a thing loosely based (very loosely) on what's going on in my life. To you know, relieve stress a little.
> 
> Also sorry for the sudden leap into a different fandom for any of you guys that follow for Marvel content and then noticed that I jumped ship to Captive Prince stuff! I recently got into it and I highly recommend the series. I don't usually like published fiction anymore, too boring, but this series was hella good! Anyways, just so y'all know I didn't abandon Marvel, I just needed a new muse for a little bit :) I'm still definitely writing in that fandom, but I'll also do Marvel stuff of course!

Peter glares at his phone and Tony sighs, “what did your shitty roommate do _now_?” he asks. Ronan, at least until last week, mostly kept to himself so Peter basically lived on his own. Which he liked and so did Tony for that matter. But then last week Ronan decided that because Peter was moving in with Tony at the end of this week he’d turn into a massive dickhead. It all started with Peter’s music, which was always loud though only at reasonable hours, which led Peter to be some confused when Ronan chewed his ass out over the loud seventies tunes. He had let it go because you know, people had bad days and maybe this was a bad day for Ronan. Then he went off about Peter’s packing, then about paint, then about some other shit that had something to do with dishes, and the list went on.

“He’s bitching about the sink plug being gone in the kitchen. I mean I threw it out t be a petty douchebag but I’m not telling him that,” Peter says. Tony snorts and starts laughing.

“ _What_?” he asks.

Peter shrugs, “he decided he was going to be a petty asshole so I thought if he’s going to start a war I’ll fucking finish it. So I threw out the kitchen sink plug, I spat on his toothbrush, and I replaced all his DVDs with Ice Age five, which is the _worst_ movie ever, and then stole his copy of _Alien_. And seems how he was whining and crying about paint I painted the entire apartment the most disgusting shade of baby shit green I could find. It’s neutral,” he says, grinning.

Tony throws back his head and laughs again because that was _hilarious_. Personally Tony had no idea why Ronan cared about the _paint_ given that the blue and orange was in Peter’s room. Sure it was tacky, but he wasn’t in it. Whatever the hell was in the living room couldn’t have been more heinous than the ugly lavender Peter painted over. The sink plug was what got him though. Of all the petty things he did to Ronan over the last week- like taking the shower curtain down because the curtain and the rings holding it up belonged to him- that had to be the most off the wall petty thing he’s done. That, and remove one of the little pads from under Ronan’s laptop so it wobbled. Apparently that was driving him nuts.

“I think you should teach being petty lessons,” Tony tells him.

“Gamora said the same thing. Rocket told me I should shit in his bowls but I settled for licking his plates,” Peter says. Tony wrinkles his nose and starts laughing again.

“Dude, that’s disgusting,” he says.

“Okay, Ronan woke me up _three_ days in a row at ass o’clock in the morning and yesterday it was at _four in the morning_. He’s earned this.” Yeah, okay, if someone did that to him he’d… have to be woken up closer to seven. Usually he was awake at four so he wouldn’t care, but the sorry soul who woke him up at seven in the morning would regret it greatly.

*

Rocket snickers at the hideous couch Ronan bought, Peter, swore, _just_ to get in the way of his moving shit around. “Should I rub my bare ass on it?” he asks, still snickering. Groot gives him a horrified look and Rocket rolls his eyes, “he’s a douchebag Groot, if you’re a douchebag you don’t deserve an ass-free couch. Besides, he’s going to get his ball sweat all over it, my bare ass isn’t even that bad,” he reasons.

“Don’t be ridiculous, go out pubes in his shampoo,” Tony says and Peter makes a noise of disgust.

“How come you two have to be gross?” he asks.

“Are you telling Rocket _not_ to follow my advice?” Tony asks, raising an eyebrow.

Peter shakes is head, “no, do it. I’m just saying though, you guys are nasty.”

Gamora rolls her eyes, “you spat on his toothbrush and licked his plates, they are _not_ the only gross ones,” she says.

“Okay but this is guerrilla warfare and I had to win!” Peter says in his own defense.

“Please don’t lick my plates if you ever get mad at me,” Tony says as Rocket takes off towards the bathroom looking pretty damn pleased with himself.

Drax frowns, “he’s licked your _mouth_ ,” he points out.

“Thanks for that mental image,” Gamora mumbles.

Tony grins, “yeah, hot isn’t it?” he asks and Gamora rolls her eyes at him.

“Can we hurry up in here? This place is like an emotional suck hole,” Mantis says. Peter couldn’t believe someone named their kid fucking _Mantis_ and she wasn’t a celebrity’s kid. He guessed it was no weirder than _Rocket Raccoon_ , which was actually Rocket’s legal name. He’s had to prove that with photo ID a few times.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll hurry it up so Mantis doesn’t get her feelings hurt,” Rocket yells from the bathroom. Mantis glares off in the direction of the bathroom but says nothing as she continues to throw Peter’s bobble heads into a bag. It was a habit he picked up from Yondu, the bobble heads. After he died he started collecting more of them and now they were a little out of control. Tony, thankfully, didn’t think they were stupid and take the opportunity to yell at him like Ronan had for some stupid reason. Peter, because he’s an asshole, told him they reminded him of his dead dad and that shut him up real fast. It was true, but he had been more affronted that Ronan had a bunch of offensive trinkets and shit in his room and thought _bobble heads_ were the problem. Yeah, sure.

They all continue to throw what Peter hasn’t packed into bags so they could get the rest of his shit in Tony’s truck and be rid of the drama from Ronan when the door opens. They all jerk their heads up and look towards the bathroom, which still contained Rocket. “Shit,” Peter whispers and for a moment he freezes. He recovers fast and snatches his phone off the coffee table and quickly starts playing music as Ronan hits the stairs. He jams the thing into his pocket and jumps to the front of the stairs and starts dancing, earning weird looks from everyone in the room, Tony included. Usually they were on the same wavelength but apparently this time he was on his own.

Ronan stops when he sees Peter, his overly fuzzy eyebrows drawing together in confusion. “Dance off bro,” Peter says and then gestures to Gamora, who shakes her head quickly. “Okay I’ll take it back,” he says and continues dancing.

“What are you _doing_?” Ronan asks, sounding more confused than he looked.

Peter sees Rocket exit the bathroom out of the corner of his eye and smiles wide, “distracting you, you big turd blossom!” he says enthusiastically.

Rocket walks over and grabs Ronan’s face, “ _Ronan_! Good to see you buddy!” he says in the same enthusiastic tone Peter had and he pats his cheek. “You’re a real jackass,” he tells him and then walks away.

“Be out of here soon,” Ronan tells him and he scurries off to his bedroom.

“Uh, legally he has until midnight!” Tony calls after him. “Fucking moldy Twizzler,” he mumbles to himself.

Mantis frowns, “can Twizzlers get moldy?” she asks.

Tony looks haunted, “experience has unfortunately told me that yes, under the right circumstances they can and your nanny will be very upset with you but not as upset as the time you tried to stick a fork in the light socket to see what ‘just a little shock’ will do to you.”

*

They’re driving down the road when Rocket starts laughing, “I didn’t even wash my hands before I touched his face!” he says and he starts laughing harder.

Peter turns to glare at Rocket; “you touched my stuff with your gross pube hands! You better wash all that stuff now!”

“Uh, no, don’t fight,” Drax says in a terrible imitation of Gamora, who had decided that because Ronan was being an asshole about Peter being out of the apartment they shared immediately she’d stay behind until eleven fifty nine just to be a jackass. She was, if he asked, just making sure Peter didn’t leave anything behind. Peter could pretty much guarantee he’d ask at least twice before Peter even got to Tony’s place.

“Rocket, wash Peter’s shit when we get it back to my place. Peter, shut up about Rocket’s pube hands,” Tony says in a much better approximation of Gamora’s voice and style of reprimanding. Rocket and Peter both listen but they sulk about it, which leads to Mantis starting a conversation with Tony in an attempt to lighten the mood. She was apparently sensitive to mood changes and after knowing her for a year Peter didn’t think it was bullshit anymore. In all fairness it works because Tony tells them he swapped out Ronan’s couch before they got there with one that was virtually identical, except the thin stripped pattern that was on the old one was now replaces with small strips of words that read ‘fuck you’. You’d have to basically have your nose glued to it to read the print given that it was designed to mimic Ronan’s old couch design but it was still hilarious. Dating rich was the best decision Peter ever made.

*

“So,” Gamora asks, “how is living with Tony? Better than living with Ronan I expect?”

Peter laughs, “last week I decided I was going to see if it was possible to get lost in his mansion and I didn’t find him until yesterday afternoon. He thought I was mad at him so I felt kind of bad for like two second, but then I was too caught up in the fact that his house is so big I could move seven homeless people in and probably not find them for a month,” he says.

Tony joked about a friend of his Clint doing that but Peter totally called foul until he managed to get lost himself. He also found a bunch of secret passageways that were thankfully a result of Tony’s paranoid father, not something _slaves_ used. Tony was apparently new money, not old money. Peter didn’t know what the hell that meant; he was just excited that he could play in the weird passageways without feeling uncomfortable about it.

“You should try it,” Gamora tells him, laughing.

“Rocket called dibs on the west wing. The west _wing_ ,” he repeats because that deserved some emphasis. Tony’s house had whole _wings_ in it and the hallways were super long so when Peter slid down them in sock feet he could go on for so long he stopped moving long before he was in danger of hitting a wall. In his old apartment, and the houses he’s lived in before, there was always a moment when he realized he was going too fast and then he’d hit a wall going top speeds. It was embarrassing and it hurt his face when he ran into the walls but in Tony’s place, which he guessed was technically his now too at least according to Tony, there was no danger of hitting walls going tops speeds.

Gamora shakes her head; “I think I earned a week’s vacation in Tony’s house. Ronan was an absolute dickhead until I set him straight,” she says in an ominous tone.

“What did you do?” Peter asks, leaning forward in excitement.

“A lady never reveals her secrets,” she says, leaning back in her seat and smiling at him in a cryptic way. Peter was so asking Tony to dig and find out what happened because he wanted _details_ and he knew Gamora wasn’t going to give them up. She liked Tony though so he’d probably get further than Peter would, which was _rude_ but there was nothing to be done about that.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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